he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So squirting runs in the family.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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