The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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