Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
