I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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