I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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Ladies don't puke and tell
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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