I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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