I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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