You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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