Your face is a jimmy john
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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