Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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