I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
