So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
