This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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