I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
