Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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