please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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