I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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