We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
3 2 1 whiskey
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Randomize
