I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
