There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
