my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
