in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
