i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
