When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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