I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
