You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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