Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
