She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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