She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
