gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
