My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
