as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
