The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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