Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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