My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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