I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
