Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
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I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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