He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
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I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
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Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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