He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
