Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
