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Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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