have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
