When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
