On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think my fart just growled at me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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