tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
