every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
