Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
