Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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