in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
