She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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