My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
