i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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