my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
