you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
