I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
