i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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