I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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